Well, I didn't know I was going to take out a second mortgage…

Dear Civil War Professor,

Seriously, dude. What gives? We have to buy not one, not two, but eight books for your class. I know that your newfound gig at a major university is exciting and all, but you should remember that we get just over $200 to buy textbooks. So far, I’ve gotten six of the required texts for your class. You know how much I paid? One hundred and sixty bucks.

I know that may seem like chump change to you, pal, but that’s a good amount of green here on the up-and-coming college student’s budget. And what gets me is the fact that most of the assigned readings I was forced to pick up at Goering’s are really, really old. Like, out of copyright old. Meaning, of course, that I could access these stupid things on the Internet and save my cash for more important things, like Hot Pockets and Tang.

Angrily yours,
Casey

Santa Maria!

Well, it happened.

The Bucs returned a kickoff for a touchdown.

And I was there to see it.

All in all, it was a memorable day: I saw Michael Spurlock jet his way into Buccaneers history; I saw my Bucs win the division… again; and, of course, Ian was the victim of collateral damage from an accident on the way home and the police took two hours to get to the wreck.

Funny how they’re always around when they want to give me a ticket, but when I need them they take their own sweet time. Ridiculous.

When the taser's away, the bored cops will play

Dear police officers on bicycles patrolling the sparse crowds on Newell Drive around lunchtime,

You guys need to get real jobs. Writing tickets to people who ride bikes all day is a feeble attempt at squeezing some power out of your otherwise laughable profession.

Love,
Casey

Tricks, no treat

On Halloween night, some little kid had the gall to come up to my door sans costume and beg for candy in his pillowcase. I sent him away empty-handed.

What a little brat.

Again?!

Well, it happened again. It was bound to, really.

It was 3:00 A.M. and I was completely burned out. I had just gone to Halloween Horror Nights with the gang over in Orlando, and I just wanted to be home. As I came across the Courtney Campbell Causeway, I noticed a white car tailing me. And, like clockwork, when the end of the bridge came and went, his lights burned like bright red and blue firecrackers.

This time, though, the fireworks show only cost me $185.50. See? I’m saving money!

Man, I hate the Highway Patrol. They’re like cops, but even more worthless since they only patrol the roadways.

I’m really glad they focus so intently on ruining the days of people going 76 in a 60 on a deserted highway in the black shroud of night as opposed to, you know, tracking down mother rapers, father stabbers… and father rapers.

Yes, at least Arlo Guthrie can make light of any situation.

Why I hate the USF Bulls

I’m sick of all of my friends who couldn’t get into UF feeding me their incessant crap week after week. They are not the best team in Florida, and I truly believe they would lose to UF if they got the chance to play them.

Also, an outrageous number of folks from the area are adamant about the fact that Matt Grothe is better (>) than Tim Tebow. Granted, he’s an excellent player with great skills, but at this point I maintain that Grothe has not yet reached Tebow’s skill. In time, I’m sure this could change, but not at present. His mohawk also looks absolutely ridiculous.

I also think that they are over-ranked. Granted, they should be ranked high (within the top 10 or 15), but not number two. They are not the second best team in the country and I firmly believe that they would lose to a number of opponents: LSU, Oklahoma, and Ohio come to mind.

The extreme bandwagondom of all the Tampa Bay area is getting to me, too. Around the Tampa Bay area, you see more and more people who have never followed college football joining the Bulls’ crusade. And don’t get me wrong: this is GREAT for the Bulls and I hope it happens to the Rays when we start winning. I will be overjoyed, but still judge those who have not gotten onto the fanboat prior to its departure from Losersville.

Take my dad, for example. He’s a middle class, hard-working guy who has had devotion to UF since he sent his first child there. But now, all of a sudden, he’s jumped over to the USF bandwagon and persists that they are the best thing since sliced bread.

The outrageous media attention given to USF’s football team is ridiculous, too. Of course, this comes as no surprise – it’s always a great story to portray the “cinderalla story” year after year. We saw it with Rutgers/Boise State/Louisville last year and we will see it again for the rest of our lives, year after year. But what gets me is the fact that following broadcast after broadcast, week after week, the media still portrays them as the strapping young group of men from Tampa who are overcoming adversity and rising against the odds. Can’t we just accept that they are a good team this year who is undefeated and give up on the pity party that began from a trailer in a field – GASP – even years ago?

It’s mainly just jealousy, I’ll admit that. But my points are valid in this case. I have every right to cheer against the Bulls, just like ‘Noles are hellbent against the Gators and the Gators loathe Tennessee. Of course, it goes without saying that I respect their football team much more than Florida State and the Vols, given that they are a much more solid team this year.

Yes, you heard right: I respect the USF Bulls. Their team is quite good. George Selvie is one of the best in the game today, and the defense behind him is rock solid. USF’s offense is also solid, but without the receivers and running backs (Tebow included, heh) that a team like the Gators have, I can’t jump up in absolute agreement with their #2 ranking. Turnovers have been commonplace in USF’s games, and until last week against UCF the Bulls have not been able to consistently convert those opportune turnovers into points. Further, USF has turned the ball over many a time – a team so high in the rankings should not do this with such frequency.

And, uh, after watching the Auburn game earlier in the year, I would work on the kicking situation.

"Tase him again, bro."

Yeah, I know I don’t usually post images with my musings. But darn it, this one is just too good. My beloved school has gained national notoriety this week, except this time it doesn’t involve large black men wearing orange and blue.

Nope, we’re notorious for using tasers on people who resist arrest – violently – at political speeches. For those of you who haven’t seen the video I’ve seen, here it is .

Oh crap. You know what this means now, right?

That’s right: I have to live with a bunch of ill-informed, blind hippie children fighting back against the system for a few weeks. The mere fact that the university police used this nondeadly force on a student, never mind the fact that he was using profanity during the speech and refused to be forcibly removed by running and elbowing officers, has the stupid half of this campus up in arms. I’m not saying it’s like a modern day Kent State or anything, but I just know that I’ll have to be refusing new flyers and rally information outside of Turlington Hall for a good while now. And that irks me.

Listen, I’m all for disliking the police (link and link). But I respect them. And if they tell me to do something, I do it. And so should everyone else. End of story.

I kind of want to get a taser in case I ever meet this stupid sack of crap. And tell all of your long-haired, Alligator-reading, Krishna-eating, uniformly biased friends to look out, too.

Edit September 20 8:00PM: Does this count as my being published? Probably not, but I’m going to pretend it does. I would like to thank the Academy…

Bow Chicka Wah Wah!

Dear Axe Bodyspray,

Hello. My name is Casey Peterson and I have been using your product ever since 2002, when Axe was introduced to the U.S. During the entirety of this time, advertisements and descriptions on each container I purchased referring to the “Axe Effect” have led me to believe that at some juncture during this time, I would have sexual intercourse with a woman as a result of using your product. Unfortunately, this has not happened thus far. Therefore, I demand that you send a woman to my home in Gainesville immediately for the act of lovemaking. If you fail to comply, I’m afraid I will have to summon legal counsel and we will be forced to settle this matter in court.

Yours,
Casey A. Peterson

Boat shoes look stupid, anyway

Today was the first day of classes of the fall term, and what would another milestone in my academic journey be without a list of complaints? Failure, that’s what.

756

This is a day late, but I figured it would be necessary to post for all of antiquity. If it ever comes out that Barry Bonds is, indeed, a cheater, liar, and all-around douchenozzle, let it be known that I never supported him, because I know that about a bajillion sportswriters in America are going to flip flop. Heck, the fact that Barry Bonds broke Hank Aaron’s home run record has gotten me rooting for Alex Rodriguez to beat it in a few years – and he’s a Yankee!

And yes, Mother sent me this today. I don’t know who made it, but it is clever nonetheless. I give you Barry’s rookie card: