Well, someone had to pay for Tim Tebow's hospital bill

September 27th, 2009 / #awesomeness, #complaints, #football

Last Thursday began as any other would: I awoke, went to my classes, ate my (pre-packed and cheap!) bagged lunch, and went to get my ticket for Saturday’s football game with Angus.

As we approached the ticket window, I decided to go to the line belonging to the fellow who had given us our tickets for the week prior. After I gave him our school IDs, though, I regretted trusting him with such an important task. After swiping Angus’ card and printing his ticket, he informed me that because my card wouldn’t swipe, I would have to high-tail it to the student union to get another one before I could have the ticket that I’d already paid for.

“So, they’ll replace it?”

“Yeah, for 15 bucks.”

Wait a second, Johnny Ticketmaster. My ID had never once swiped properly before. I watched you guys. You would try to swipe it on one machine, again on another machine, and then you would break down and enter my student identification number into your magical ticket machine, and I would have my tickets. Heck, I even watched you do it a mere seven days prior!

Upon telling him this, he simply told me to get a new card. No apologies, no explanations for his inability to deal with customers, not even a smile for the fat, hairy guy who was about to speed walk across campus in 300 degree weather.

So, after some choice words for my newfound archenemy, I went. I gave Bernie Machen $15 to replace a card that hadn’t worked since he gave it to me three years ago. I ran back to the ticket office, drenched in Eau de Peterson, gave some new choice words to the incapable one behind the window, and I was on my way.

However, leave it to me to find the silver lining. Though I may have lost $15 and gained a new (terrible) photo on my ID, I apparently have an unused vending account from years ago with $30 still left on it.

Take that, ticket tyrant! My net profit of 15 dollars has foiled your dastardly plan, and the citizens of the UF community can now sleep easier with the knowledge that you aren’t invincible.

The newest addition to the Swamp

April 8th, 2008 / #football, #pictures, #uf

Tim Tebow’s Heisman Sign

A Super Joke

February 15th, 2008 / #awesomeness, #football

I guess I forgot to mention it before, but this photo Ian sent me pretty much sums up my feelings against the Patriots:
Leftover Super Bowl Shirts

Ohio State And The Little Schedule That Couldn't

January 7th, 2008 / #college, #football

COLUMBUS, OHIO – Today, after the Buckeye’s second national championship loss in as many years, Ohio State athletic director Gene Smith released a schedule the likes of which the Buckeye faithful have never before seen.

“You know, I thought we had it pretty tough having to play Kent State and Akron this year, but this is just ridiculous. How do they expect us to even compete with Cuyahoga or Cincinnati Hills? This is probably just some ploy to get some extra money so coach Tressel can buy some more sweater vests,” said Buckeye booster and now hardly employed Heisman winner Troy Smith. “And don’t even get me started on the Reds. Have you seen their defensive line? It’s sick.”

Below is the newly released schedule for the 2008 Ohio State Buckeyes football season. God help us.

8/30 vs. Ohio School for the Deaf (Columbus, OH)
9/6 vs. Ohio Northern University (Columbus, OH)
9/13 @ Cuyahoga Community College (Cleveland, OH)
9/20 vs. Columbus, Ohio Chamber of Commerce Co-recreational Softball Team (Columbus, OH)
9/27 vs. Ohio State School for the Blind (Columbus, OH)
10/4 @ Cincinnati Reds (Cincinnati, OH)
10/11 vs. Boonville, Indiana High School (Boonville, IN)
10/18 @ Autism Academy of Learning (Maumee, OH)
10/25 vs. Cincinnati Hills Christian Academy (Columbus, OH)
11/1 – Bye Week
11/8 @ Columbus State Community College (Columbus, OH)
11/15 @ Cleveland School of the Arts High School Chess Team (Cleveland, OH)
11/22 vs. Michigan (Columbus, OH)

New Year, Old Tricks

January 1st, 2008 / #football, #uf

Well, the Gators lost. This means that the only Florida-based team to win its bowl game this year is Florida Atlantic University. Owl Pride!

Oh well, here’s to a national championship next year.

History of the World According to Tim Tebow, Part One

December 9th, 2007 / #football, #sports, #uf

In light of the recent Heisman Hoopla surrounding Alachua County’s Prince Charming (and my best friend!) Tim Tebow, I figured it was about time to release this photographic evidence that Timmy is immortal. So without further ado, I present to you History of the World According to Tim Tebow, Part One:

Philadelphia, 1787 – After hours of grueling debating and arguing, Tim Tebow presides over the signing of the newfound American Constitution. John Hancock tries to be an attention whore and is stiff armed into oblivion. When leaving, Tebow mentions that they should really add something about the right to bear arms, because his biceps are a thousand times more powerful than any musket of the era.

Kitty Hawk, 1903 – On a blustery day that winter, Tim Tebow creates a new flying machine, but humbly allows two sibling bicycle repairmen to take credit for his invention, fearing that the government might force him to use his machine for evil. A century later, Tebow will find out how to take to the air in a different way.

Iwo Jima, 1945 – High atop Mount Suribachi, Tim Tebow and six other soldiers raise the American Flag in a moment captured for American antiquity. It is after this war, however, that Tebow decides to abstain from further combat, for fear of breaking the hearts of girls around the world. The United States would regret issuing his leave in later conflicts. Whoops.

Times Square, 1945 – After beating the Japanese with two bombs comprised of Tim Tebow’s concentrated semen, blood, and elbow grease, Tebow returns to America and is photographed kissing this girl. She would later find out that she is pregnant, as did every other female within a fifteen foot radius of Tebow when this photo was taken.

Cuba, 1958 – Forever a proponent of freedom, Tim Tebow leads a revolution against Dictator Fulgencio Batista. In order to cause Batista to flee the country, Tebow does a pile driver into his sternum and rushes for seven touchdowns while penetrating the entire Cuban cheerleading squad.

London, 1969 – Tim Tebow, in England to plant his seed to field a potential rugby team, is asked by the three remaining Beatles to fill in for the recently deceased Paul McCartney. Reluctant at first, Tebow accepted when he found out that if he posed as Paul McCartney for the rest of time, he could marry and bone a model half his age. Not to say he couldn’t bone her anyway, of course.

Tiananmen Square, 1989 – In an everyday show of bravery, Tim Tebow stands up to a line of military tanks. He had actually just stepped out from a burning apartment building filled with Chinese babies and their attractively vulnerable mothers and was on his way to not take a nap because Tim Tebow never sleeps. Upon seeing the Seminole-esque red stars on the side of the tanks in the square, Tebow briefly stood in front of them before melting the war machines with his gaze of hatred.

But no, really. Congratulations, Timmy!

I love you.

…Too much?

Oh, so there it is.

November 27th, 2007 / #football, #uf

Memo to Bobby Bowden

Why I hate the USF Bulls

October 17th, 2007 / #complaints, #football, #uf

I’m sick of all of my friends who couldn’t get into UF feeding me their incessant crap week after week. They are not the best team in Florida, and I truly believe they would lose to UF if they got the chance to play them.

Also, an outrageous number of folks from the area are adamant about the fact that Matt Grothe is better (>) than Tim Tebow. Granted, he’s an excellent player with great skills, but at this point I maintain that Grothe has not yet reached Tebow’s skill. In time, I’m sure this could change, but not at present. His mohawk also looks absolutely ridiculous.

I also think that they are over-ranked. Granted, they should be ranked high (within the top 10 or 15), but not number two. They are not the second best team in the country and I firmly believe that they would lose to a number of opponents: LSU, Oklahoma, and Ohio come to mind.

The extreme bandwagondom of all the Tampa Bay area is getting to me, too. Around the Tampa Bay area, you see more and more people who have never followed college football joining the Bulls’ crusade. And don’t get me wrong: this is GREAT for the Bulls and I hope it happens to the Rays when we start winning. I will be overjoyed, but still judge those who have not gotten onto the fanboat prior to its departure from Losersville.

Take my dad, for example. He’s a middle class, hard-working guy who has had devotion to UF since he sent his first child there. But now, all of a sudden, he’s jumped over to the USF bandwagon and persists that they are the best thing since sliced bread.

The outrageous media attention given to USF’s football team is ridiculous, too. Of course, this comes as no surprise – it’s always a great story to portray the “cinderalla story” year after year. We saw it with Rutgers/Boise State/Louisville last year and we will see it again for the rest of our lives, year after year. But what gets me is the fact that following broadcast after broadcast, week after week, the media still portrays them as the strapping young group of men from Tampa who are overcoming adversity and rising against the odds. Can’t we just accept that they are a good team this year who is undefeated and give up on the pity party that began from a trailer in a field – GASP – even years ago?

It’s mainly just jealousy, I’ll admit that. But my points are valid in this case. I have every right to cheer against the Bulls, just like ‘Noles are hellbent against the Gators and the Gators loathe Tennessee. Of course, it goes without saying that I respect their football team much more than Florida State and the Vols, given that they are a much more solid team this year.

Yes, you heard right: I respect the USF Bulls. Their team is quite good. George Selvie is one of the best in the game today, and the defense behind him is rock solid. USF’s offense is also solid, but without the receivers and running backs (Tebow included, heh) that a team like the Gators have, I can’t jump up in absolute agreement with their #2 ranking. Turnovers have been commonplace in USF’s games, and until last week against UCF the Bulls have not been able to consistently convert those opportune turnovers into points. Further, USF has turned the ball over many a time – a team so high in the rankings should not do this with such frequency.

And, uh, after watching the Auburn game earlier in the year, I would work on the kicking situation.

The Culmination of my Being

August 11th, 2006 / #bliss, #football

This is the day that we have waited for with bated breath since the last second of the clock ticked away last February. This is the day that will lead to an epic six months that will birth legends and tales. This is the day that brings peace around the world, and yet still divides us.

This is the day that it all begins.

The Immaculate Reception. The Miracle at the Meadowlands. The Catch. This day led to them all, and just as they are forever immortalized in history, more events like these will sprout from this, the holiest of days.

The Monsters of the Midway. The Purple People Eaters. The Orange Crush. They all evolved as bastard offspring of this day, fathered by fury and nurtured by will.

Broadway Joe. Crazy Legs. Boomer. They all drove down the field, spurred on by the idea that one day in history can make immortals out of men.

Today is the first day of football.

Best thing since sliced bread

January 21st, 2006 / #awesomeness, #football, #videogames

For Christmas, Ian got me a network adapter for my Playstation 2. I haven’t been able to use it until now, though, because I needed a wireless LAN adapter so that I wouldn’t have to run the world’s longest CAT5 cable through my house. Now I’ve got the wireless bridge, so all is well.

Ideally, Ian would get a Playstation 2 and a copy of Madden ’06 so that I could beat him from home while he’s living in Gainesville. However, he hasn’t purchased a console yet, so I’m stuck playing games of Madden with a bunch of Redskins fans who feel that they have something to prove (i.e. they can win with more than 120 total yards of offense and aren’t handed the game by the refs).

But let me tell you right now: this is awesome. I can connect with anyone around the world and play football with them. It will come in quite handy during the offseason when all I have to enjoy is baseball and hockey, which are the lesser of American sports because white people are generally physically inept. I guess I’ve still got basketball, but I refuse to watch a sport wherein everyone participating has a rap album. Anyway, I digress.

That said, if anyone has a Playstation 2, a network adapter, Madden ’06, and the desire to be completely annihilated, go ahead and contact me so that we can duke it out on the field.

I love technology.