Escalating Conflict

March 3rd, 2009 / #advice, #complaints, #observations

You know, folks in this dog-eat-dog world need to embrace the little things in life that can provide a well-deserved breather.

I realized this today when I was in Library West on campus, proceeding up to the second story to use one of the (inexplicably often broken) water-free urinals on the second story. For those who avoid the library like the plague due to the masses of gabbing sorority chicks and braniacs, to get to the second story of the library one must first proceed up an escalator to get to the meat of the building.

It seems that whenever I’m making my way up these escalators, there’s always some toe-tapping kid behind me who takes exception to the fact that I remain sedentary on the escalators, waiting for the magical moving steps to whisk me up to the next level.

When this happens I feel sort of pressured to treat the escalator like an immobile staircase and climb it like some sort of health nut. Naturally, I do as I am tacitly expected, thus exerting myself – though unnecessarily – so that I can minimize any awkward feelings from the folks behind me.

Now, I’m not really overly concerned with the sacrifice of motion that I make for these people. What I’m most disturbed by is the fact that these people cannot fathom the notion of merely relaxing for ten seconds and letting the wonders of modern innovation make their lives a smidgen easier.

I think the world would be an infinitely better place if people would just accept any gift of mechanized relief that might arise in their path and take comfort in the wonders of the twenty first century.

I can give you this advice because I am obviously the funniest man alive, right?

March 11th, 2008 / #advice

Some jokes are perennial favorites in the comedy world. I know this because I spend my days and nights tuned into Comedy Central. I’ve become quite a connoisseur of stand-up comedy, but there are just some things that have been beaten to death.

The most prevalent of these jokes, in my opinion, is the age-old side-stitcher that black folks can say the N-word and white folks can’t. I’m looking at you, The Boondocks.

It never fails: whenever an African American comic goes up on stage, he is bound to tell this joke. And it was funny the first time. But now, it’s just a little old.

I think it’s time that folks realize that there are funnier things in the world than noting the proper use of a single, devisive word. Talk about your marriage. Talk about your childhood. Heck, talk about your family and their silly little quirks. But for the love of God, give the N-word a rest.

I’m scared to buy any more in vain

November 24th, 2007 / #advice, #girls

Well, I made it. I’m no longer a teenager. It’s nice and all, but let me tell you a little story.

In my junior year of high school, for some reason my good Asian friend Ying Lo brought me a paper bag with two condoms in it from some free condom venture or something. I (naturally) took one out of its wrapper to check out what they were like, seeing that I was such a social failure and all, and I put the other in my wallet.

Well, condom number two expires in December. So, uh, I’d best get cracking on that, eh?

So, if you have a vagina and I have any contact with you, I would suggest being extra vaginally vigilant when you’re around me for the next month; I’m going to be coming onto you like a fat chick at a wedding reception.

The last straw

December 15th, 2004 / #advice, #random

What classifies being a man? Is it chopping down trees with one swift swing of an axe? Or could it have something to do with killing a man with your bare hands? Or should it be mandated that in order for you to be considered a real man, you slap one of those bumper stickers on the back of your pickup telling the whole world of your prayer habits?

While all of these qualities are indeed conducive to existing as a man, the evolution into that state of being is wholly different.

Here’s a tip from the manliest of them all: Don’t use straws.

Yeah, I said it. Radical, is it not? Picture this: You sit down at a table, order your drink (which, at this point in my life cannot be legally alcoholic), and in a few minutes the servestress (or whomever) returns with a mug of frosty Coca Cola and a little plastic tube wrapped oh-so-sanitarily in paper. By tossing the straw to the side and swigging from the glass with your bare lips, you are exposing yourself to a world of potential infection from prior uses. But in essence by merely chugging from that glass you’ve said to that viral disease, “I’m not afraid of you, because a real man shouldn’t be.”

Because exams are over, this is all I have to think of.

Deep Fried Overdose

January 11th, 2004 / #advice, #food, #girls

I went to the new Long John Silver’s tonight with my brother, Ian, and his girlfriend, Nikki, for the first time and after my brother ordered his fish sandwich, Nikki and I decided that we were hungry so we would split a family meal: 5 chicken planks, 4 pieces of fish, 2 orders of fries, 6 fried shrimp, and an order of hushpuppies. After paying for our flipping $28.00 worth of food we proceeded to wait at our table until it was done. During this time, we put on cardboard pirate hats and I got me a bib – This was gonna be some hardcore eating. And how right I was.

Round one.
I ate a plank of chicken. Nikki ate a plank of fish.

Round two.
I ate another plank of chicken. Nikki was still working on her first piece of fish.

Round three.
I ate another plank of chicken. Nikki’s still busy with that first plank of succulent cod.

Round four.
Chicken piece #4. Fish piece #1. You get the picture.

Round five.
(I’ll condense the rest of this story, it all pretty much goes the same.)
I ate the last piece of chicken and two pieces of fish. Nikki ate 1 (one) piece of fish.

The moral of this story? Girls don’t hold up their end of the bargain. Ever.

Bananas in Pajamas

January 1st, 2004 / #advice, #girls, #newyears

Advice for all the men out there: Never compare a woman to a banana. While it may seem like a good idea at the time, odds are she won’t take it the way you intend.

In fact, you should avoid comparing them to any fruits. Trust me.

Happy New Year.

  • Who I Am

    I'm a nobody from Florida with things to say (sometimes).

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    This is a not-so-detailed account of my adolescence over the course of almost a decade. Here, I shared my thoughts about things of no real consequence while at the same time being reckless with semicolons and flowery language.

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