Why I hate the USF Bulls

I’m sick of all of my friends who couldn’t get into UF feeding me their incessant crap week after week. They are not the best team in Florida, and I truly believe they would lose to UF if they got the chance to play them.

Also, an outrageous number of folks from the area are adamant about the fact that Matt Grothe is better (>) than Tim Tebow. Granted, he’s an excellent player with great skills, but at this point I maintain that Grothe has not yet reached Tebow’s skill. In time, I’m sure this could change, but not at present. His mohawk also looks absolutely ridiculous.

I also think that they are over-ranked. Granted, they should be ranked high (within the top 10 or 15), but not number two. They are not the second best team in the country and I firmly believe that they would lose to a number of opponents: LSU, Oklahoma, and Ohio come to mind.

The extreme bandwagondom of all the Tampa Bay area is getting to me, too. Around the Tampa Bay area, you see more and more people who have never followed college football joining the Bulls’ crusade. And don’t get me wrong: this is GREAT for the Bulls and I hope it happens to the Rays when we start winning. I will be overjoyed, but still judge those who have not gotten onto the fanboat prior to its departure from Losersville.

Take my dad, for example. He’s a middle class, hard-working guy who has had devotion to UF since he sent his first child there. But now, all of a sudden, he’s jumped over to the USF bandwagon and persists that they are the best thing since sliced bread.

The outrageous media attention given to USF’s football team is ridiculous, too. Of course, this comes as no surprise – it’s always a great story to portray the “cinderalla story” year after year. We saw it with Rutgers/Boise State/Louisville last year and we will see it again for the rest of our lives, year after year. But what gets me is the fact that following broadcast after broadcast, week after week, the media still portrays them as the strapping young group of men from Tampa who are overcoming adversity and rising against the odds. Can’t we just accept that they are a good team this year who is undefeated and give up on the pity party that began from a trailer in a field – GASP – even years ago?

It’s mainly just jealousy, I’ll admit that. But my points are valid in this case. I have every right to cheer against the Bulls, just like ‘Noles are hellbent against the Gators and the Gators loathe Tennessee. Of course, it goes without saying that I respect their football team much more than Florida State and the Vols, given that they are a much more solid team this year.

Yes, you heard right: I respect the USF Bulls. Their team is quite good. George Selvie is one of the best in the game today, and the defense behind him is rock solid. USF’s offense is also solid, but without the receivers and running backs (Tebow included, heh) that a team like the Gators have, I can’t jump up in absolute agreement with their #2 ranking. Turnovers have been commonplace in USF’s games, and until last week against UCF the Bulls have not been able to consistently convert those opportune turnovers into points. Further, USF has turned the ball over many a time – a team so high in the rankings should not do this with such frequency.

And, uh, after watching the Auburn game earlier in the year, I would work on the kicking situation.

Well worth the 41 cents

A couple of weeks ago, I sent Bud Selig a letter. It was done in magic marker and I used a fake name to make me sound more like a seven year old and basically asked if it were possible for me, despite my age to become a Major League Umpire. I promised him that I would never make a correct call at first base when officiating Devil Rays games and that I would completely rape the idea of strike zone consistency. I also drew him two pictures, one of a Rays baserunner’s foot on the bag and the first baseman nowhere near the base with me (dressed as an umpire) calling him out and another picture of an eyeball, heart, and Bud’s face (I <3 Bud Selig).

I was surprised when he wrote me back on official MLB letterhead and everything:

Dear Alex:

Thank you for your letter.

While I know you were a little sarcastic in your comments about umpires, I happen to think the umpires do an excellent job. Incidentally, we have an electronic system called Questec which rates umpires on every pitch in every game and they do remarkably well. Base decisions, for the most part, have been excellent. Umpires missing a call once in awhile have been part of our game for years, but I think the umpires overall have done a good job. I think you have to be a little more understanding about that. However, I liked the rest of your letter and all the pictures you drew. I was really impressed.

Thanks for taking the time to write to me.

Sincerely,

Allan H. Selig,
Commissioner of Baseball

Best part: he signed in INK.

I think I’ll keep corresponding with my favorite wrinkly old pen pal in hopes of more gems like this.

Women's soccer is really, really interesting. Really.

My German Political Theory Professor: Yes, well, as we all know, the US Women’s World Cup soccer team lost last night, unfortunately. It is a shame, too, because I was really hoping for a US versus Germany final. By the way, Germany, of course, won.

Class: Boo!

MGPTP: Yeah, well, come on. You guys won the war.

"Tase him again, bro."

Yeah, I know I don’t usually post images with my musings. But darn it, this one is just too good. My beloved school has gained national notoriety this week, except this time it doesn’t involve large black men wearing orange and blue.

Nope, we’re notorious for using tasers on people who resist arrest – violently – at political speeches. For those of you who haven’t seen the video I’ve seen, here it is .

Oh crap. You know what this means now, right?

That’s right: I have to live with a bunch of ill-informed, blind hippie children fighting back against the system for a few weeks. The mere fact that the university police used this nondeadly force on a student, never mind the fact that he was using profanity during the speech and refused to be forcibly removed by running and elbowing officers, has the stupid half of this campus up in arms. I’m not saying it’s like a modern day Kent State or anything, but I just know that I’ll have to be refusing new flyers and rally information outside of Turlington Hall for a good while now. And that irks me.

Listen, I’m all for disliking the police (link and link). But I respect them. And if they tell me to do something, I do it. And so should everyone else. End of story.

I kind of want to get a taser in case I ever meet this stupid sack of crap. And tell all of your long-haired, Alligator-reading, Krishna-eating, uniformly biased friends to look out, too.

Edit September 20 8:00PM: Does this count as my being published? Probably not, but I’m going to pretend it does. I would like to thank the Academy…

Maybe it's just because we can relate

Hey, everyone over at Rotten Tomatoes. Yeah, you. And heck, everyone else on the Internet that seems to hate The Brothers Solomon: Screw you guys, it was a funny film.

Granted, not as genius as Superbad, but I doubt we will see many movies that compare in our lifetimes.

It’s a funny movie with a funny plot and, yes, good acting. In fact, I would say that the acting trumps all other aspects in this film in the humor category. It’s a far-fetched, fun movie. Will Arnett and Will forte paint a beautifully absurd picture of life as the Brothers Solomon, and if people are too stupid to see that, it’s their loss.

Funny enough though: when Ian and I saw the movie at 9:55 last night, we were the only ones in the theater. I would rather have it that way than to have the house packed with people who don’t appreciate the genius that we were able to see last night.

Inevitable

We knew it was going to happen. We just didn’t know when.

Well, it happened.

Allow me to set the scene. Ian, in all of his fortunate goodness, was able to lease a (very nice) new Nissan Altima a few months ago. He kept his old jalopy of a Saturn so he could drive it to and fro while not accumulating miles on his new, fancy-shmancy car. This left me high and dry outside of the garage, which only has room enough for two cars. So, I have to park in the backmost portion of the driveway, leaving Ian to play musical cars to work his vehicle around mine, meandering into and out of the garage. I have no problem with parking where I do; it will be especially cool in the winter (no pun intended!) when ice forms on my windows.

We both agreed at the beginning of this system that my car was going to be hit. We didn’t know when it would happen, but we knew it was coming. It’s sort of like a far less interesting return of Jesus to Earth.

Sure enough, last night Ian took a page out of the book of my grandmother, whose two year old Mitsubishi Gallant has been wrecked no fewer than five times as a result of her not looking behind her when the backs up her car. He hit my front fender. No actual damage, though – just a good amount of paint that has found its way off of my bumper.

Interestingly enough, though, Ian was far more upset than I was. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so genuinely apologetic. It was kind of nice – I could get used to that. As for the car, it will be fixed in time; it’s really no big deal.

Until then, I’m parking in the street.

I have no idea what I am going to do with my life.

As if it hasn’t been apparent for some time now to those that know me well, I have decided recently that my life lacks any direction. This became clear to me when I watched John Candy in Uncle Buck yesterday afternoon and realized that it is quite possible that I would end up like his character – irresponsible, poor, and reckless.

So, what do I do now? Part of me says that I should ignore this inevitability, embracing it as a beautiful alternative way of life. But then, the other 99 percent of me says that I need to buckle down and decide what I want to do with my life. Sure, it’s quite normal for people my age to not know what they are going to do for the rest of their lives, but it has become increasingly apparent to me that a lot of my friends at least know what they want to do with their lives.

All right, that has been established. I should decide what I like to do and build my career around that. Hm, are there any high-paying professions that involve sleeping until 11, sitting around my house watching television, and eating meals high in fat and calories?

Uh oh, I don’t think my political science major will be useful after all.

Bow Chicka Wah Wah!

Dear Axe Bodyspray,

Hello. My name is Casey Peterson and I have been using your product ever since 2002, when Axe was introduced to the U.S. During the entirety of this time, advertisements and descriptions on each container I purchased referring to the “Axe Effect” have led me to believe that at some juncture during this time, I would have sexual intercourse with a woman as a result of using your product. Unfortunately, this has not happened thus far. Therefore, I demand that you send a woman to my home in Gainesville immediately for the act of lovemaking. If you fail to comply, I’m afraid I will have to summon legal counsel and we will be forced to settle this matter in court.

Yours,
Casey A. Peterson

Boat shoes look stupid, anyway

Today was the first day of classes of the fall term, and what would another milestone in my academic journey be without a list of complaints? Failure, that’s what.

Good advice

Go see Superbad. Now.