Yo Mamma So Fat…

We all have our dirty little secrets. Some people secretly like musicals. Some secretly kill people and hide their chopped-up bodies in the walls. Me? I watch MTV.

Now, I’m not a religious watcher. I know it’s like an instant brain cell killer. And I know that by watching it, I’m probably shortening my life span. But hey, I’m a relatively unhealthy person anyway. What’s a couple years when I’m 70? (As if I’ll make it to 70, considering all the $1 double cheeseburgers from McDonald’s I’ve been eating lately.)

Today, I watched a marathon of MTV’s “Yo Mamma.” It’s a show where a bunch of ghetto folks with interestingly nice houses insult each other in front of a group of comparably ghetto people who say “Oh snap!” or “Oh no you di-en’t!” when one guy squeaks out a lame “yo mamma so fat…” joke. It’s a half hour of mind-numbing fun!

You know, this is the second MTV show with which I’ve fallen in love. My first man was Andy Milonakis. But my true love? Wilmer Valderrama.

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Mon-OH!

Well, my attempts to live a normal teenage life in the last few months have paid off. Ladies and gentlemen, I have mono.

It’s not great – that’s for sure. But, you know, it’s not as bad as I thought it would be. The only bad things about mono are the enlarged (and pus-covered!) tonsils, sore throat, fever, stuffiness and constant sweat. However, the positives are pretty nice, too. The doctor says that I should take it easy for the next few weeks.

I am now sitting on the couch, watching the big screen TV, computing, eating and drinking loads and loads of Gatorade. And after the last two IB exams tomorrow, this is all I’ll have to do for the next month.

Oh, woe is me.

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I'm President of the Fan Club

If you’ve been around me for the past couple of months, you already know this. But if you’ve been living under a rock and you aren’t aware of the simple fact that Travis Lee is the best baseball player to ever play the game, this is your heads up.

Lee’s fielding percentage is .997, which is the highest active percentage in the league among first basemen. He is as tall as the Empire State Building; he is as mighty as a lion; he is as nimble as a kitten; he is as powerful as a locomotive.

Notice that locomotives do not have opposable thumbs. Hence, they cannot hold baseball bats. And because they cannot hold baseball bats, their batting averages are not very high.

But did Jesus ever rub pine tar on a Louisville Slugger? Did Mohammed have a good batting average? Could Moses crank a ball over the centerfield wall? Collective answer? No. Collective moral? You can go ahead and disregard Travis Lee’s batting average. Pay attention to the obvious: he is easily the greatest first baseman in the league and he is possibly the greatest human being to walk the earth in 2000 years.

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One last standing ovation

After I got home from church today, I got this message from my favorite Colombian:

Vie Bizarre: Casey, post your speech from yesterday in your blog

So, because Laura told me to, here’s the speech I gave last night at IB Senior Celebration:

Fellow students, teachers, parents, friends, Mr. McGonegal:

It’s been a crazy four years: sleepless nights, endless lectures, perpetual work, and bottomless cups of coffee. And now we’re growing up, about to venture out into a world where we have to do all of this grown-up stuff: get jobs, pay taxes, … get jobs. It almost seems impossible that these past four years have sneaked up on us so quickly. But, I will remind you that in the time since we entered the hallowed halls of PHUHS, so much has happened that we may have once deemed impossible. The Buccaneers won the Super Bowl, the Red Sox won the World Series, J-Lo and Ben broke up. So, maybe our progression into a big people school was inevitable.

But still, we’re all human. And humans will remember. Humans will reminisce. Humans will think back on the years we’ve spent roaming the hallways of PHU and remember them fondly. What will you remember? Will you remember how no matter where you sat, Señora Gleason feng suied you without fail? Will you remember Mr. Valdez’s unhealthy obsession with Julia Roberts? Or maybe it’ll be the way Pete Just would keep his desk absolutely barren (like his head).

Personally, I’ll remember all of the stuff I didn’t quite understand. Like matrices (sorry, Math Department…). Like who actually killed William Robinson. Like Mr. Coffman’s grading system. And like how in the world I am expected to eat a whole elephant.

To the parents here tonight: thank you for supporting your child through these last four years. Without your support, they wouldn’t be here. And if they weren’t here, I would have no friends. So, thank you. I’m sure they’ll thank you too, as it’ll make college that much easier. That is, they’ll thank you right after they get done screaming, “WHY?! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO ME!?”

To the faculty and staff here tonight: Henceforth, you will be referred to as officers, Mr. Burkett and Ms. Lowry as marshals, and Dr. Brown as warden. You run a tight ship (especially you, Mrs. Kolhoff), but in the end we know that it’s for our betterment. Palm Harbor is the single best place we could be spending our young and malleable years. Thank you for training us to be responsible young people. And while I use the word “responsible” loosely, I’m sure that you know how much you have impacted our lives.

And finally, to the 40% of you who are NOT going to UF: It’s been a pleasure to have known you. I speak on behalf of everyone who is moving two and a half hours up the Interstate (two if you drive like we do) when I say that we will miss you dearly. The bonds we have formed on this campus are too strong to break, so make sure you keep in touch with us, wherever you go. And yes, that does mean “Facebook me!”

Folks, this is so surreal. Unlike the bouncy-bouncy of the moon landings and the chippy-chippy of the Great Pyramids, this is actually happening. You see the movie Grease and you think that a Danny Zuko-like graduation will never happen to you. But, short of a magic red convertible flying into the sky, it’s here. And it’s happening. Now we know that what once seemed so impossible, so far off in the distance, is truly possible. Now, it’s up to us to make the best of our own futures.

Thank you, Palm Harbor University High School. And thank you, everyone. We’re all in this together.

See you in Gainesville!

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