The pain means it’s working
[ 11 Comments ] Posted on 06.09.05 in funny stories, pictures
Today, I was just minding my own business and sitting at my computer when all of a sudden I leaned back and my computer chair broke in half. Literally. My head hit the tile floor, my legs and feet kicked up and slammed against the bottom of the table upon which my PC sits, and a slew of extra computer chair parts began digging into my body.
!http://www.sociallyconsciousbird.com/storage/images/chair01.jpg!
Perhaps this is God’s way of telling me that I spend too much time using the computer.
Tricky, tricky
[ 6 Comments ] Posted on 06.08.05 in complaints, letters
Dear United Cab Company:
I realize that you’re a taxi service and therefore a common vehicular design is necessary for name recognition, but do you really have to paint all of your cars black and white and slap your logo on the side?
Every time I see one of your cabs, I panic and downshift because I think you’re The Fuzz. Then, after you pass, I curse your name and swear never to use your service.
Because really, who wants to get charged $.40 for every additional mile while carting around in the back of a pseudo patrol car?
Love,
Casey
Escaping Reality
[ 3 Comments ] Posted on 06.07.05 in television
You know, every time I see that advertisement on television for Geico Auto Insurance that starts out by introducing a new reality show in which a newly married couple live in a miniature version of a house and their trials and tribulations, my hopes are absolutely obliterated when I find out that it was just a gag to get me to buy insurance. That would be a really, really funny show.
Mind you, I am the kind of guy who has never once seen an episode of _Survivor_, been entertained by _The Apprentice_, nor laughed at Joe Rogan. I mean, I’ve seen _Fear Factor_, but Joe Rogan is not funny.
Anyway, I digress. I think that, given a hefty paycheck, Fox could hire me as a conceptual program designer. I mean, I’ve got an eye for both the ideas that do not suck (such as the forthcoming list) and the ideas that blow (such as every reality show on television except for that one where the girl had to choose which guy was really her father – that was genius).
So, Fox executives, consider this list of the greatest television program ideas my application to your team. I expect a salary of at least $150,000 annually with a $100,000 signing bonus and my own parking space. The latter is nonnegotiable.
# Okay, so you get a young married couple that is looking to adopt some kids, right? Then, you get 20 orphans from the local orphanage and have them participate in competitions, during which time they are eliminated one by one until the winner is decided. The winner gets a new home and family, while his 19 counterparts get to go back and spend the rest of their lives with the evil Miss Hanigan.
# Okay, so you get a group of twenty or so young people, right? Then, you surgically detach their legs and put them back on backwards. Then you could let them all live in one house (see _The Real World_). Of course, you would have to get a whole slew of conflicting personalities: the prissy cheerleader; the gnarly surfer type who might be exploring the different nooks and crannies of his sexuality; the tramp-like 24 year old who looks two times her age; the raging black dude who resents the fact that he’s the only African American in the house; the big fat party animal; and a skinny little nerdly boy who has a big, fat high school crush on anything within thirty feet sporting a vagina.
# Okay, so you get a group of monkeys together, right? Then, put them in a house together that they are not permitted to leave (see _Big Brother_). Then, because there would be no truly significant value in the show at this point, get “Bob Saget”:http://www.bobsagetisgod.com/ to come in and do voiceovers for each of the individual primates within the house – all in the exact same voice. That should pull this show out of the gutter; it worked for America’s Funniest Home Videos.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. These ideas are not funny, with the exceptions of item one and the last part of item three. But are you telling me that if someone was to put these gems on your boob tube, you would rather watch The Weather Channel or Lifetime? I think not.
So, bring it on, Fox. I have the power to turn every television set in America into an unavoidable idiot magnet.