Where can I pick up my commemorative Barack Obama pogs?

January 22nd, 2009 / #cults, #politics, #valentinesday

Oh, Barack Obama.

It must be pretty comforting to know that after your Presidency is complete in eight years, you will have quite a source of income based solely on your image. Think about the possibilities, dude. When you leave Washington to go back and farm corn or whatever it is those in Illinois do, you can simply live for the rest of your life by selling stuff with your face all over it to the legions of Americans who think you are Jesus.

I’m talking about an action figure line, maybe some designer clothes at Wal-Mart a la the Olsen Twins, maybe even a blockbuster action film!

Seeing the countless racks of wares with your (likely unlicensed) image throughout the last few months, I have come to the conclusion that this whole Presidency thing is more of a time killer until you can evolve from the prince of politics into the messiah of the marketplace.

Barack Obama t-shirts, Barack Obama stationary, Barack Obama DVDs, and Barack Obama salad dressing to take the place of Newman’s Own. Heck, it’s only a matter of time (read: a month) until kids start showing up to school with Barack Obama valentines for all of their good friends. The possibilities are endless!

Bitter? No. I just wish people would pay to have my face on crap.

I have a big head

December 26th, 2003 / #christmas, #cults, #family

I was sitting at Christmas Dinner last night, and suddenly an argument arose.

Mom: Grandma, look at Casey’s hair!
Grandma (While feeling my head): Honey, he’s got nice hair.
Mom, Dad, & Brother: It’s too long!
Grandma: No, honey – Its length fits his head.

Awkward silence ensues…

Apparently I have a big head. Oh well – all the better to insult you with.

I don’t really want to cut my hair. It’s silly. Those Twelve Tribes people say that it’s against God’s will to cut my hair. Besides, all the lovely ladies prefer it long – Anything to please them.

Orange Juice is for the Terrorists

December 23rd, 2003 / #cults, #politics

Oh no! The U.S. Department of Homeland Security raised the terror level from a light, soothing shade of burnt sienna to a dark, ominous atomic tangerine. I’m so scared, I think I’ll play it safe and completely alter my plans, staying in my house, sewing American flags and watching Fox News all day, being sure to collect my canned and nonperishable goods to eat once I have to go down into the bomb shelter so that I can survive the decades of nuclear winter that is sure to come from an “orange” warning. Oh wait, scratch that – My good old pal Tom Ridge wants me “to continue with [my] holiday plans.”

In that case, I guess I’ll go back to not caring.

In other news, I went to the Simon and Garfunkel concert last night, the last show of their tour. My thought process is that if they fight again, which they have been known to do in the past, they will hold back on touring for a while. And if this happens, it is entirely possible that one of them (hopefully Art Garfunkel) will die before they have the chance to make up again. Therefore, it is a possibility that I attended the last Simon and Garfunkel show that will ever be played. There’s a story for the grandkids. The Everly Brothers also made an appearance and sang four songs, bringing the tally to 4 (four) musical legends that I graced the companies of yesterday. While I could write a long review, I’m too lazy. Over at the land of obsessively weird people, someone already did.

Anywho, the reason I mentioned that is because of what happened to me on the way back to the car. As my brother and I exited the venue, there was a man (a hairy, strange man) standing offering pamphlets to the crowd as they passed. I walked close to him and he said, “Here, it’s free.” So I figured what the heck – I’ll take it. I took it and began to read it in the car:

On the front: “The Twelve Tribes Free Paper – From Every Nation, New Social Order”

At this point I assumed it was some sort of “Let’s join together and pursue world peace” or “Feed the starving children in Africa” jazz that you see on infomercials on cheap Cable at 2 in the morning. Oh great, just what I want to read.

I opened up the pamphlet and began to read:

About thirty years ago, our culture began from a few people with childlike hearts who left the popular culture of the world, walking away from their old lives. At that time it was mainly young single people, but soon there were families with children, and even grandparents. They started giving up their houses, farms, and businesses to become part of the new life that they had found. Something special and exciting was happening – an enlightenment, a revelation was permeating us. There was an assurance of being cared for, a conviction of something worth living for. This caused us to cast off fear and self-interest so we could live for each other.

I’m not going to bore you with all the details, but if you want to join this exciting new following, here’s all you have to do to join!

First, give up everything you own.
Second, give up any and all opinions or beliefs you may have.
Third, don’t forget to give all of your money to the master Yahshua. (See step one)
Fourth, don’t let your children go to public schools and experience the evils that lie within.
Fifth, adopt the cottage system as your only source of industry.
Sixth, suck on the teat of a goat and have somebody beat you for being so stupid.
Did I mention that thing about giving them all of your money? We wouldn’t want to forget that and let you corrupt yourself in this commune, would we?

They’re Amish. But not. They’re a religion. But not. They’re a cult. But not.

For a group of people not wanting to be corrupted by the evils of everyday society and the peer pressure of the modern (convenient) world, they sure do contradict everything they stand for by having a Web site.

People will do anything to stray away from their problems these days, including joining a religious following. I’m not saying that these people don’t love God any more or any less than I do, I am merely saying that maybe this “following” is a scheme for the founder of said “gathering” to gain some cash. In this dog-eat-dog world, I can’t blame him. As long as there are problems that weak people face, there will be people willing to thrive off of them. It sounds like a crock to me, but this “seven tribes” thing could be the start of a new religious upheaval that ultimately does the world some good.

Yeah, right.

  • Who I Am

    I'm a nobody from Florida with things to say (sometimes).

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    This is a not-so-detailed account of my adolescence over the course of almost a decade. Here, I shared my thoughts about things of no real consequence while at the same time being reckless with semicolons and flowery language.

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