Why you shouldn’t drink soda before bed
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 03.09.07 in college, funny stories, television
The other night, I had nothing better to do with my nocturnal schedule, so I tuned into the local politics channel. They usually have replays of Alachua County commission meetings, live Florida Senate and House sessions, and the like. I kind of banked on the fact that this channel would be so boring that I would be able to fall asleep like a baby. I was wrong.
On the tube was, perhaps, the longest City Planning Commission meeting to have ever occurred. The docket was full of issues, but I happened to start watching in the middle of a proposal to rezone some rural residential land into commercial land for some utilities company, complete with a tower so that the business hub could communicate with their utility vehicles out and about in the field. Simple enough, right?
Wrong. I don’t really care to get into the specifics of the debate, since it’s pretty well boring and arguments lasted for (literally) hours. I just want to give a quick once-over of the good folks on the Alachua County City Planning Commission, who are, for all intensive purposes, as varied as the topics they discussed that evening.
First, we had Poor Statute Guy. This poor guy had to rattle off statutes and procedural rules to the otherwise uninformed members of the commission for hours. When his peers didn’t like what he said, they fought with him. But I mean, come on – Dude was just reading the rules.
Then, Hippy Environmental Activist. You know the kind: long hair, no tie, insists that society would be far better if we still traveled by horse and buggy, probably eats Hare Krishna Lunch.
Now, New Age Beatnick almost always agreed with Hippy Environmental Activist, which is convenient in that they sit next to each other. This guy reminded me of a thirty-something kind of guy who tries to be socially aware to impress college students. He probably also likes Matchbox 20.
Then, it got interesting. Presiding over the meeting was Skinny Jewish Conservative. Skinny Jewish Conservative was a curious fellow because not only did he disagree with Hippy Environmental Activist and New Age Beatnick, he fought against everyone (even Joe Redneck, who we will examine next).
Joe Redneck didn’t talk much. But when he did, he would insult Hippy Environmental Acitvist and New Age Beatnick in an effort to support his favorite utilities company; I guess he wasn’t a fan of Gainesville Regional Utilities, I’m not sure. I picture Joe walking out after the meeting to his 1989 Chevy 4×4 painted to look like the General Lee ‘69 Charger of Dukes of Hazzard fame.
Next down the line came Jose “Conflict of Interest” Perez, a Hispanic man who could barely speak English but abstained to vote on the proposal because his law firm had somehow landed the representation of one of the parties involved. Interestingly, this refusal culminated in the failure of a plurality after the voting process. This made me quite mad, as I had devoted almost three hours to watching these folks debate this proposal.
Sitting next to Jose Perez was the only Black Guy on the commission. Incidentally, he was the only cool guy on the commission. He waited until all the squabbling was over with between Hippy Environmental Activist, New Age Beatnick, Skinny Jewish Conservative, Joe Redneck, and Jose “Conflict of Interest” Perez to weigh in with a highly uninformative, unclear position. I say he was cool because he seemed to be above the commission process and it became clear to me that as the meeting proceeded, he ultimately came to the conclusion that becoming a member of this body was a mistake.
…Almost as big of a mistake as my decision to watch this meeting in the first place.
Late Night Daydreaming
[ No Comments ] Posted on 07.14.06 in dreams, girls, television
Having the nasty habit of staying up late at night because it’s summer, I also have the opportunity to expand my normal television horizons. No longer boxed into the quasi late night shows of Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim Lineup, I can channel surf to my heart’s content.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I am in love with Game Show Network’s Playmania, which is an interactive game show. Is it because of the fun opportunities to play along? No. Is it because during the commercials, I’m exposed to the dreamy voice of TV’s own Chuck Woolery? Kind of, but no. It’s because of the hostess. I am in love with Shandi Finnessey.
Who knew that winning Miss America could afford a person the chance to be a game show hostess on a basic cable TV network? And here I thought they would go on to use their newfound fame to, you know, help save the world and kiss little babies. Well, either way, I’m glad that I can spend my time at 2:30 AM watching this lovely young lady.
Yo Mamma So Fat…
[ 4 Comments ] Posted on 05.26.06 in television
We all have our dirty little secrets. Some people secretly like musicals. Some secretly kill people and hide their chopped-up bodies in the walls. Me? I watch MTV.
Now, I’m not a religious watcher. I know it’s like an instant brain cell killer. And I know that by watching it, I’m probably shortening my life span. But hey, I’m a relatively unhealthy person anyway. What’s a couple years when I’m 70? (As if I’ll make it to 70, considering all the $1 double cheeseburgers from McDonald’s I’ve been eating lately.)
Today, I watched a marathon of MTV’s “Yo Mamma.” It’s a show where a bunch of ghetto folks with interestingly nice houses insult each other in front of a group of comparably ghetto people who say “Oh snap!” or “Oh no you di-en’t!” when one guy squeaks out a lame “yo mamma so fat…” joke. It’s a half hour of mind-numbing fun!
You know, this is the second MTV show with which I’ve fallen in love. My first man was Andy Milonakis. But my true love? Wilmer Valderrama.