I am the Nostradamus of crass commercialism

Hey, remember this?

Yeah, I was right.

Better late than never

Recently, I have undertaken a quest to grow into a more responsible adult. In the past few weeks, I have begun reading books recreationally (right now, I am reading Herman Wouk’s Don’t Stop The Carnival), and I have even been to get my oil changed for the first time in a year and a half.

My most recent achievement, however unpleasant it is, was a trip to the dentist for the first time in seven years. I won’t bore you with the details of my cross bite and oral hygiene, but I would like to take this opportunity to say that this guy is my doctor. I didn’t go into the office thinking that I would meet the Doogie Howser of dentistry.

I guess he went on his journey to grown-up life a smidgen earlier than I did. My bad.

Maybe he should hang out with John Edwards at some locale other than Fantastic Sam’s

Random political observation: This Blagojevich fellow needs to ditch the 14 year-old boy haircut. He looks too much like a quarterback for the Crimson Tide.

Where can I pick up my commemorative Barack Obama pogs?

Oh, Barack Obama.

It must be pretty comforting to know that after your Presidency is complete in eight years, you will have quite a source of income based solely on your image. Think about the possibilities, dude. When you leave Washington to go back and farm corn or whatever it is those in Illinois do, you can simply live for the rest of your life by selling stuff with your face all over it to the legions of Americans who think you are Jesus.

I’m talking about an action figure line, maybe some designer clothes at Wal-Mart a la the Olsen Twins, maybe even a blockbuster action film!

Seeing the countless racks of wares with your (likely unlicensed) image throughout the last few months, I have come to the conclusion that this whole Presidency thing is more of a time killer until you can evolve from the prince of politics into the messiah of the marketplace.

Barack Obama t-shirts, Barack Obama stationary, Barack Obama DVDs, and Barack Obama salad dressing to take the place of Newman’s Own. Heck, it’s only a matter of time (read: a month) until kids start showing up to school with Barack Obama valentines for all of their good friends. The possibilities are endless!

Bitter? No. I just wish people would pay to have my face on crap.

Yet Another Post About Taco Bell

All right, it’s been about a month since I have complained to the Internet about something trivial that shouldn’t even cross my mind, so here we go. People need to learn how to say “Taco Bell.”

Taco Bell is delicious. And wildly inexpensive. Therefore, it is a popular food choice amongst my peers. However, many of them seem it necessary to put an extra emphasis on the “a” in “taco.”

Listen, folks. It’s just two words. Say, “taco.” Good. Now say, “bell.” All right, now put them together. There is the name of your eating establishment.

It’s not like we’re comparing bells. If I were to say, “Gee, I like the food at Burger Bell, not Taco Bell,” then such an emphasis on the first word would be necessary. But you know what? There is only one bell in my life and it will remain this way for at least the foreseeable future.

Now, if I could just teach people how to properly say “hotel” and “insurance.”

A History of Ireland in Song

So, I’m currently procrastinating and not writing my final paper for my Irish politics class, and I think I have found an exquisite distraction: A History of Ireland in Song.

Hindsight is 20/20

Saw this on my newsfeed.

Man, I bet he wishes the Delorean hadn’t been hit by a train at the end of the third movie.

Dirty Laundry

You know, because I am in the Journalism school day in and day out despite my complete ignorance on the subject, I have come to grow fond of journalists. I am surrounded every day by notepad-wielding soldiers of the army of the written word. I guess more than anything, I respect them and their abilities of talking to complete strangers. Maybe if I could do that, I would be rolling in the ladies. Journalists are admirable, to be sure.

But I have also developed a pet peeve regarding the field. It used to be that when you would watch the news and something of great importance happened, they would cut away to an anchor who would tell us all about the “breaking news.”

Now, though, it seems that they have completely bastardized the phrase. Now, I can watch CNN for an hour in the morning and everything they’ve got for me is all of a sudden “breaking news.”

That group of elementary school children stacking cups for charity? “Breaking news.”
That lost dog from Florida that showed up in Canada a la Homeward Bound? “Breaking news.”
The Kansas City Royals suck? “Breaking news.” I think you get the point.

See, back when breaking news was rare and actually meant something, it was like a little treat during an otherwise bland and unexciting newscast. Now, however, they throw the term around like it’s a vowel, for God’s sake. Personally, I think that the term “breaking news” should have to meet three requirements:

First, someone’s gotta die. Yes, it is a sad reality, but when the news flips up “breaking news” about Sarah Palin adopting a polar bear or whatever it is she does, my heart flutters and then sinks. “Breaking news?” That’s hardly news!

Second, the newsworthy event has to be able to occur instantaneously or within a very short period of time. “Breaking news” that is merely an update on a developing story isn’t news. It’s a clarification of a prior news item and therefore terribly boring and lame.

Third, and perhaps most importantly, the event must not happen often. Listen, I don’t want a barrage of “breaking news” at all hours of the day. I think that “breaking news” should be limited to once a month at least. “Oh, the President of Mexico was killed by a flock of albatrosses? Sorry, we used our opportunity up last week. I knew we shouldn’t have run that story on packing peanuts!”

Maybe my cynicism is what’s kept me out of the major.

Garfield Minus Garfield

If I owned a coffee table, this would be perfect for it.

Laugh Tracks and You

When watching sitcoms on TV and they put in a laugh track, I think that the loudness and exuberance of said laughter is way too extreme.

No show is that funny.