How much I hate the Red Sox

April 25th, 2008 / #baseball, #complaints

In this post, I will proceed to describe just how much I hate the Red Sox.

I hate the Red Sox so much, I can think of a million things I would rather do than be in their presence for an extended period of time. I would rather:

Get an appendectomy. Chop off my own legs and beat myself over the head with them. Jump off a cliff Wile E. Coyote style, holding a sign that says “At least I’m not watching the Sawx!” Play a game of Russian Roulette with myself. Wear a Speedo everywhere I go. Wear a tuxedo everywhere I go. Bake a cake filled with shards of glass. Read War and Peace. Watch a Ben Stiller movie. Pull off my fingernails with a pair of pliers. Confine myself to a tiny room with Michael Moore after he eats twelve bean burritos. Talk like the guy from the B-52s for the rest of my life. Fly too close to the sun with wax wings. Marry my Golden Retriever. Swallow my own fist. Fall into a volcano. Try to sharpen each of my fingers in an electric pencil sharpener. Try to sharpen my fingers in an manual pencil sharpener. Watch every episode of Sex and the City. Watch every episode of Sex in the City, counting the times I am falsely attracted to Sarah Jessica Parker, only to realize that she is actually a man. Eat 50 pounds of uncooked rice. Violate a hedgehog. Walk barefoot over hot coals. Drink 20 shots of grain alcohol and play a game of tennis with my pastor. Skydive without a parachute. Move to Wyoming. Shave my head and get a tattoo of Michael Jackson’s face on my bare scalp. Get naked and cover myself with bees.

There are more, trust me. The point here is the same, folks: the Boston Red Sox and their fans are the most irritating folks in the history of mankind. I cannot stand them.


There are 3 comments. Such a lively discussion!

  1. Taryn spoke up on April 28, 2008.

    Hey! there’s no need to bring poor Ben into this…

  2. Ian spoke up on May 5, 2008.

    Ben? I feel bad for the hedgehog.

  3. Rock Lobster spoke up on December 31, 2008.

    I talk like the guy from the B-52′s and it bugs the shit out off my girlfriend. It’s pretty awesome.

Sorry, but comments are closed. Some things are best said in a vacuum.

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