How to save the world in about 23 seconds
[ No Comments ] Posted on 02.08.08 in complaints, girls, politics
Lately, the talk of global warming has enveloped our dear society into an intense struggle between people who think the world is going to end because I drive a car and people who know for sure that our recent climate change is a mere cyclical happenstance.
Well, I prefer not to take sides in this debate, so I offer the topic of an actual conversation I had with a female petition pusher with a boy haircut I had on campus today.
While I concede that global warming could indeed be a possibility, I maintain that I don’t really care, at least for the time being, and I offer the following as my reasoning.
The state of Florida, if global warming is a real threat, won’t be underwater for some time. At least, not in my lifetime. And they keep telling me to care about the fact that the environment is going to Hell in a hand basket and that I should take preventative steps to reduce its effect for my children’s’ sake.
Well, if that’s the case, I’ll have to have children, right?
If that is the case, I will have to, at some point in my existence on this big round ball, plant my seed inside a woman. Ergo, I will have to find somewhere a female who will allow me the privilege of breaching her floppy V.
So, if and when a woman decides it necessary to make love to me, I will begin caring about global warming for the sake of my little sideburned flagellate friends.
The moral of this story: girls, if you really care about the environment, you will have lots of hardcore sex with me. Do it for me. Do it for the environment. But most of all, do it for the children.
Rock on!
[ 6 Comments ] Posted on 01.12.08 in girls, music
Well, in my never-ending search for ways to make women swoon (for those of you keeping score at home, none of my previous attempts have yielded success), I’ve decided to take a more conventional route.
If you’ll recall, I tried learning the mandolin. I learned a few chords and things, but this attempt for love was born in futility. I guess chicks don’t dig an instrument that I play only because it’s small and I have tiny hands. And I guess, at least subconsciously, they know what tiny hands mean and they flock to the nearest regular-sized guy.
Then, I tried lifting weights. It worked out for a while, but then I went home for Christmas and didn’t take home my miracles of muscle making. And man, that stuff is heavy. It didn’t really act as a chick magnet either, though. I assume this is the case because notwithstanding my somewhat increased arm size, I remained short. Chicks dig tall guys.
Well, I am trying again. This time, however, I’m doing it the right way: I’m learning to play the guitar. I’m getting kind of good at it too, even with my gnomelike hands. This has got to be the clincher that makes the women of the world show up at my doorstep in herds wanting to be my bride, right?
So, tell your friends that their wildest dreams can soon come true: I can serenade girls until they fall madly in love with me.
At least after I learn more chords than A, C, D, E, F, and G.
I’m scared to buy any more in vain
[ 3 Comments ] Posted on 11.24.07 in advice, girls
Well, I made it. I’m no longer a teenager. It’s nice and all, but let me tell you a little story.
In my junior year of high school, for some reason my good Asian friend Ying Lo brought me a paper bag with two condoms in it from some free condom venture or something. I (naturally) took one out of its wrapper to check out what they were like, seeing that I was such a social failure and all, and I put the other in my wallet.
Well, condom number two expires in December. So, uh, I’d best get cracking on that, eh?
So, if you have a vagina and I have any contact with you, I would suggest being extra vaginally vigilant when you’re around me for the next month; I’m going to be coming onto you like a fat chick at a wedding reception.