Boat shoes look stupid, anyway

[ 3 Comments ] Posted on 08.23.07 in college, complaints

Today was the first day of classes of the fall term, and what would another milestone in my academic journey be without a list of complaints? Failure, that’s what.

  • The parking situation on campus is ridiculous. It’s ridiculous that there are so few parking spaces on campus. It’s ridiculous that we all try to park there. It’s ridiculous that none of the obscene amounts of money the university is spending (i.e. on Urban Meyer’s new office, a new hub, etc.) are going to build me a giant, multi-story, non-restricted parking lot in the middle of campus. Ridiculous.
  • Hey, God. It’s about a bajillion degrees outside. I’m wondering if you could, you know, cool that down just a tad for us. Because thanks to Bernie, we have to walk miles and miles from the one parking lot we can use to any location that we might need to be.
  • And no, I am not interested in joining your fraternity. I’m not interested in giving you thousands of dollars for the opportunity to be someone’s slave for a semester. I’m not interested in going anywhere wearing a long sleeved, pastel-colored shirt and tie with my sunglasses on the back of my neck. I don’t want to pop my collar or be best friends with some of the most ridiculously egotistical and rude guys I will ever meet. I wouldn’t like to control all of student government, effectively making it a one-party system. Oh, and I definitely am not interested in forcing myself to swallow the crock that is “brotherhood” amongst the Greek Community. It’s all very, very overrated.

    Oh, and sorority girls are not much better. True, they are very, very nice to look at. But then, once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. If you answer “yes” to all six of these questions, you’re probably in a sorority:

    1. Am I attractive?
    2. Am I a total bitch?
    3. Do I wear dresses to sporting events at which I feign understanding of the aforementioned sport?
    4. Do I like boys in fraternities?
    5. Do I own at least one pair of giant, counterfeit (or real) sunglasses by Coco Chanel and/or a counterfeit (or real) bag by Vera Bradley?
    6. Would I never, under any circumstances, even talk to Casey Peterson?

    There, that should do it. Simple enough. If you scored a 100% on this test – and trust me when I say that this is the only time you will ever score a 100% on anything but a breathalyzer – you are probably in a sorority. Congratulations! I’ll see you in a few years after you get ugly like the rest of us.

    Yes, I know that’s not how breathalysers are measured. Yes, I know that both my description of fraternities and sororities fail to cite all of that (mandated) community outreach and good stuff they do. Yes, I am clearly bitter. And yes, indeed, I know that this is a vast generalization of the circumstances and that not everyone involved with Greek Life fills the above descriptions. But an overwhelmingly apparent majority does. I hope the few good, kind-hearted and modest souls who understand that they aren’t above everyone else can save the Greek system and make it not look so utterly ridiculous.

    Now, I would like to add the disclaimer that many of my friends from high school and some I have made during my tenure here at UF are in or are rushing in both fraternities and sororities. And to them, I wish the best of luck. I sincerely wish they don’t end up like the folks I’ve outlined above. And for the most part, they haven’t. They’re genuinely good, caring, and unique individuals. I just hope they don’t come to contribute to the stereotype in the years to come.

    • Good advice

    [ No Comments ] Posted on 08.21.07 in movies

    Go see Superbad. Now.

    What’s in a name?

    [ No Comments ] Posted on 08.19.07 in Rays, baseball

    If you’re a sports fan like I am, over the course of a season you develop an affection for the players on your favorite team so much that you give them nicknames to prove to everyone that you are, indeed, a die-hard fan. I’ve developed so many nicknames this season that I halfway expect these shortened identities to show up on the back of everyone’s jerseys. This hasn’t happened yet, but as I sit here and hope to God that the Rays can pull out a victory over the Indians, I would like to share with the world what everyone should be called. These nicknames are combinations of Joe Maddon’s overly-friendly monikers, the (sometimes depreciating) names that have evolved over at the forums of raysbb.com, and the nicknames developed over the course of the season by me and my friends. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you nicknames for everyone on the current Rays’ 25 man roster:

    Akinori “Aki” Iwamura
    Al “El Asasino” Reyes
    Andy “Sonny” Sonnenstine
    B.J. “Bossman” Upton
    Brendan “B-Har” Harris
    Brian “Stokesy” Stokes
    Carl “C.C.” Crawford
    Carlos “C-Pain” Pena
    Dan “The Man” Wheeler
    Delmon “Delmonster” Young
    Dioner “Navi” Navarro
    Edwin “EJax” Jackson
    Gary “G-Lover” Glover
    Grant “Ball Four” Balfour
    Greg “Norty” Norton
    James “Shieldsy” Shields
    Jason “Hammy” Hammel
    Joel “Manchild” Guzman
    Josh “J.P.” Paul
    Josh “J Dub” Wilson
    Jon “Switz” Switzer
    Jonny “Gomer” Gomes
    Juan “The Juice” Salas
    Scott “Dohmannator” Dohmann
    Scott “Kaz” Kazmir

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