Vroooooooom
Posted on 01.22.05 1:36PM in cars
Last week, my parents made up for my half year of driving their baby blue 1974 Volkswagen Beetle – a rusty metal death chariot less powerful than most standard lawnmowers – with the purchase of a new car to relieve my reservations over facing the upcoming summer without air conditioning. Or a radio. Or a working second gear. Or any hint of safety features. Yes, this one has all that and more.
Now sitting in the deep recesses of my tiny little garage is my 1991 Dodge Stealth ES, refracting the gleam of the solitary light bulb on the ceiling with its coat of newly polished Scarlet Red and humming like a sexually aroused lion upon ignition. I must admit, though, that moving up from 55 horsepower to 222 gives quite the identity complex to my automobile.
For a little short of a year, I carted around town in a dandy car. Upon realizing that most serious car owners named their trusty companions, I decided that my Beetle’s name should be Herbie, after the famed number 53 in the 1969 Disney film, _The Love Bug_. At least, that was what people called it. If you’re me, you would call it Herb; if you’re sending it mail, you would address it to Herbert Aluicious Peterson III. What made Herb so cool, though, was the fact that it was actually a she. You couldn’t drive her without thinking such. The way she shifted, the way she accelerated, everything about her down to color made the car effeminate. I don’t have any qualms over driving a lovely lady, either – she was the best thing in my life.
But like in any normal relationship, we ran into some difficulties. She was old. She wasn’t as beautiful as she once was. Call me shallow, but I was looking for someone just a little more satisfying. In my defense though, she wasn’t playing nice anyway. Every now and then, just to spite me, Herb would grind going into second or refuse to turn on her headlights. Like in the late days of Chrissy Snow on Three’s Company, things were getting rough. Things had to change.
Then, he came into my life. Now I’m not gay, mind you, but there’s just something about a gentleman of a car that can steal away my heart in mere seconds, much like the way my perpetual love can be stolen with a nice piece of fresh Grouper. Herb and I parted on good terms; she sits as I type in the other side of the garage awaiting the restoration that I promised I would give to her when I have the money. And I totally plan on keeping my promise, just as soon as I win the lottery.
After deciding that the Stealth drove like a man – not a rough, domineering man, but rather a sincere, smooth operator – came the task of choosing a name for him. After conferring with people in the past week and thinking on my own, I’ve narrowed the list down:
!http://www.sociallyconsciousbird.com/storage/images/stealthpost/01.jpg!
*Ringo.* Recently, I’ve been more and more into the Beatles than ever, which is apparently a stage that most civil people go through. But to name a car after any of the other members of the fab four would be sort of lacking in exoticism. John? No. Paul? No. George? Please, no. Only a queer would name his car George. So I settled on Ringo, the coolest living Beatle.
!http://www.sociallyconsciousbird.com/storage/images/stealthpost/02.jpg!
*Jimmy.* What would a list of possible names be without payment of homage to Mr. Jimmy Buffett, King of Somewhere Hot? Though this one is, too, a bit plain, it holds more sway than Ringo, simply because of color. Ringo has always been to me sort of a black and white kind of guy, while Jimmy is a spectrum of excitement. I have to admit, too, that a Red Dodge Stealth would be quite excellent in the parking lots of Buffett shows when I am of age.
!http://www.sociallyconsciousbird.com/storage/images/stealthpost/03.jpg!
*Holden.* What better way is there to compare the standard awkward teenage blues in my life to the human experience than to name the one best companion in your life after Salinger’s cynical and depressed Holden Caulfield? It’s also fancy and quazi-irregular, which puts some points in Holden’s column.
!http://www.sociallyconsciousbird.com/storage/images/stealthpost/04.jpg!
*Jeff.* For some reason, Doug suggested this. I kind of like it.
!http://www.sociallyconsciousbird.com/storage/images/stealthpost/05.jpg!
*Suggest something.* These ideas suck.
Other than that, my creativity well has run dry. If ever girls change their minds about me and I somehow get one to have my kid, I hope she has an extensive list of possibilities for names, because otherwise we won’t give him one and he’ll be referred to by social security number for his entire life.
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Posted by Joey on 10.15.05 at 16:35:55
why not joey? it’s a multi-purpose name. When you need to concentrate, joseph’s there to help you out, when you need friend to party with, joey’s getting blasted right alongside you, and when you need a friend to talk to, joe’s always there for you
the power is yours
Posted by Vicky on 10.15.05 at 16:36:20
Anvil. Flange. Rooster. Bob. Napkin. Arnold. Drain. Melanie. Let your imagination run riot!
Posted by Nathan T on 10.15.05 at 16:36:45
aww doug looks so cute :-*
haha……later
Posted by Mike Nelson on 10.15.05 at 16:37:11
I think you should name the car Tappy Tibbons.
Its a fun name, and an allusion as well!
Posted by Nathan T on 10.15.05 at 16:37:30
just thot id tell you, i saw a bentley with THREE of those “support our troops†ribbons, it was a relatively new one too, im guessin like 2002ish….and i thot of u the second i saw it…..haha….later
Posted by Lorie on 10.15.05 at 16:37:52
Bosley. Ferris. Zeke. Rudy. Zeus. Rod. Many choices, pick one!