Bow Chicka Wah Wah!

[ No Comments ] Posted on 08.31.07 in complaints, letters, girls

Dear Axe Bodyspray,

Hello. My name is Casey Peterson and I have been using your product ever since 2002, when Axe was introduced to the U.S. During the entirety of this time, advertisements and descriptions on each container I purchased referring to the “Axe Effect” have led me to believe that at some juncture during this time, I would have sexual intercourse with a woman as a result of using your product. Unfortunately, this has not happened thus far. Therefore, I demand that you send a woman to my home in Gainesville immediately for the act of lovemaking. If you fail to comply, I’m afraid I will have to summon legal counsel and we will be forced to settle this matter in court.

Yours,
Casey A. Peterson

Boat shoes look stupid, anyway

[ 3 Comments ] Posted on 08.23.07 in college, complaints

Today was the first day of classes of the fall term, and what would another milestone in my academic journey be without a list of complaints? Failure, that’s what.

  • The parking situation on campus is ridiculous. It’s ridiculous that there are so few parking spaces on campus. It’s ridiculous that we all try to park there. It’s ridiculous that none of the obscene amounts of money the university is spending (i.e. on Urban Meyer’s new office, a new hub, etc.) are going to build me a giant, multi-story, non-restricted parking lot in the middle of campus. Ridiculous.

  • Hey, God. It’s about a bajillion degrees outside. I’m wondering if you could, you know, cool that down just a tad for us. Because thanks to Bernie, we have to walk miles and miles from the one parking lot we can use to any location that we might need to be.

  • And no, I am not interested in joining your fraternity. I’m not interested in giving you thousands of dollars for the opportunity to be someone’s slave for a semester. I’m not interested in going anywhere wearing a long sleeved, pastel-colored shirt and tie with my sunglasses on the back of my neck. I don’t want to pop my collar or be best friends with some of the most ridiculously egotistical and rude guys I will ever meet. I wouldn’t like to control all of student government, effectively making it a one-party system. Oh, and I definitely am not interested in forcing myself to swallow the crock that is “brotherhood” amongst the Greek Community. It’s all very, very overrated.

    Oh, and sorority girls are not much better. True, they are very, very nice to look at. But then, once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. If you answer “yes” to all six of these questions, you’re probably in a sorority:

    1. Am I attractive?
    2. Am I a total bitch?
    3. Do I wear dresses to sporting events at which I feign understanding of the aforementioned sport?
    4. Do I like boys in fraternities?
    5. Do I own at least one pair of giant, counterfeit (or real) sunglasses by Coco Chanel and/or a counterfeit (or real) bag by Vera Bradley?
    6. Would I never, under any circumstances, even talk to Casey Peterson?

    There, that should do it. Simple enough. If you scored a 100% on this test – and trust me when I say that this is the only time you will ever score a 100% on anything but a breathalyzer – you are probably in a sorority. Congratulations! I’ll see you in a few years after you get ugly like the rest of us.

    Yes, I know that’s not how breathalysers are measured. Yes, I know that both my description of fraternities and sororities fail to cite all of that (mandated) community outreach and good stuff they do. Yes, I am clearly bitter. And yes, indeed, I know that this is a vast generalization of the circumstances and that not everyone involved with Greek Life fills the above descriptions. But an overwhelmingly apparent majority does. I hope the few good, kind-hearted and modest souls who understand that they aren’t above everyone else can save the Greek system and make it not look so utterly ridiculous.

    Now, I would like to add the disclaimer that many of my friends from high school and some I have made during my tenure here at UF are in or are rushing in both fraternities and sororities. And to them, I wish the best of luck. I sincerely wish they don’t end up like the folks I’ve outlined above. And for the most part, they haven’t. They’re genuinely good, caring, and unique individuals. I just hope they don’t come to contribute to the stereotype in the years to come.

    • Good advice

    [ No Comments ] Posted on 08.21.07 in movies

    Go see Superbad. Now.

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