You’re a towel!
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 04.25.06 in observations, random
A couple of years ago, I became fortunate enough to stumble across a particular towel in my linen closet. It was blue, big enough to make a skirt of absorption in which I could roam the house under the guise of actually being clothed, and best of all, it was absorbent.
I’ve found that in life, about 98% of towels made are not absorbent; they merely sop up the water from your skin and become a slosh of fibers and hard water from the shower. But this one, it’s different. I can dry every inch of every crevice of my wet and naked body without having to switch to another towel.
Now, I’m afraid that my beloved blue angel is no more. Mom convinced me to send Towlie to the great washing machine in the sky. It was time, though – he was tattered and torn so much that you would think Ive been using him to dry my pet porcupine.
In the meantime, I’ve switched to another towel. And while this one is much larger (I can envelop myself like a human burrito), it lacks the principle quality of absorption that I’ve taken for granted during the last two years of my high school career. This upsets me, so I think I will protest the absence of an acceptable drying device in my home by not showering for a while. Then, maybe someone with whom I reside will notice the wretched stench and toss a suitable towel my way.
And no, I do not have a pet porcupine.
The Lowlight of my Day
[ 2 Comments ] Posted on 04.18.06 in complaints, observations
I was never permitted to go to the big peoples’ doctor. I would always be sitting there, in a room full of little snot-nosed children whining to their mothers, waiting for my overly friendly pediatrician to call me in so that he could tell me how bad my acne was getting.
So today, I walked in because I had to get some paperwork filled out before I could go to college. I was the only person who could grow facial hair in the entire room. None of the secretaries could do it (I hope), none of the mothers who had to take the day off from work to bring their little bundles of joy in for medical care could do it (I hope), and none of the kids in the waiting room could do it, either.
So, while I was waiting for my appointment to get scheduled, I took a seat to check out the reading material. And you know what I hate?
Every doctor’s office in the known universe has a copy of Highlights Magazine. And every copy of Highlights Magazine has that sweet hidden picture puzzle where you have to find a baseball, canoe, and umbrella in a seemingly normal landscape. But the thing that gets me is that in every copy of this magazine in every doctor’s office across America, some stupid kid went and found them all for you. There you are, sitting there ready to play paper detective, and that fat kid with the mumps went and stole your glory.
Go spit, fat kid with the mumps. I’m sick of you.
The Caste System of Adolescence
[ No Comments ] Posted on 11.12.05 in girls, observations
Before I begin, you should know that this entire tirade is not a manifestation of my extreme bitterness toward, well, everything. In fact, things are on an upswing and this is just a collection of thoughts that only a small demographic of society will agree with. I’m certainly aware of this fact.
But, without further adieu, I give you the Peterson Male/Female Mutual Attraction Theory, authored on 28 October 2005:
At the point of conception, the male is placed at a certain disadvantage. Granted, the female obligations of childbirth and menstruation are definite points in the negative column for that particular group, males are given the arduous task of finding a mate.
The reasoning for this disadvantage is ultimately a manifestation of the competing standards for each respective group: females are generally attracted to physically attractive males, while men will generally do anything you put in front of them.
It should be noted that the female “standards” being investigated are those of a purely physical nature due to the fact that the years of life prime for reproduction are those during which females are fickle, maniacal creatures who show more discretion than is necessary while finding someone with whom to mate. (Read: High school girls are heartless, soulless individuals.) In contrast, male “standards” being investigated rely upon physical attraction in addition to such intangible qualities as sincerity, ability to hold conversation, and the like.
Now then, on to the thick of it. Let’s say, for example, that there are three levels of physical attractiveness: low, moderate, and high. Most men are starved for affection and will gladly mate with any female who is at least moderately attractive. It is not uncommon, either, for a man to be attracted to a female of low attractiveness. Shortcomings in these categories can be adequately balanced by other qualities that remain unseen by the female eye.
That being said, the female is an entirely different specimen. Females who are at the prime of their reproductive lives are, by their very nature, closed-minded and callous individuals who rely solely upon looks, and therefore, the only males who have a chance of mating with females are those who are highly attractive. Any other males stand little to no chance, because they cannot compensate for the lack of physical attraction with such qualities as good nature, niceness, or anything similar due to the teenage female’s inability to observe and appreciate such behavior.
Therefore, females hold a distinct advantage in that they have a large base from which to draw possible mates. That is, any given female is likely to be accepted by far more males than would males attempting to be accepted by females.
Consider the following matrix of attraction, where males are on the horizontal axis, females are on the vertical axis, L represents a low level of attractiveness, M represents a moderate level of attractiveness, and H represents a high level of attractiveness. Willingness to participate in a romantic relationship is be denoted by ? for males seeking females and by ? for females seeking males. Only mutual willingness should be considered as potential for a successful relationship, and these are highlighted yellow.
If one uses the same matrix and the same parameters for that matrix, however, it would appear differently in an ideal world, wherein nonphysical characteristics were nonexistent (that is, in a world wherein the men suddenly sprouted vaginas and became superficial jerks). Furthermore, if the variable of living beyond one’s means were eliminated by way of those members of each group mating with members of the opposite sex in that same group, the possible relationships would form a gradient across the scale, possibly incorporating far more individuals into relationships than in the prior model. Observe the ideal matrix:
As you can see, the variance between these two groups is alarming. But as it is, the first model is the true model of the inter-gender social framework. Because this is the sad, sad, reality of life, males born anywhere short of the high class of attractiveness are presented with a harsh difficulty: they must rise above the standards and locate that rare female with whom there will be mutual attraction.I realize that with this theory, as there are with all other theories, the existence of certain anomalies is inevitable. Sure, there may be an occasional female who takes into account such items as intelligence and personality. And sure, there are many guys who are so into themselves that they judge solely upon looks. You have to understand that I write this as an outlyer on the male spectrum that is trying to find some insight into why things are the way they are.
Edit:
Now then, now that I’ve been privy to the extreme disgust of every girl I know, I’d like to point out that this entire thought process was as much a theory as it was a joke. Added hyperbole to make a point was employed, and there should be no offense taken as these thoughts do not reflect upon the actions of the majority of my comrades. I wouldn’t be friends with people if they were all mirror images of the soulless individuals portrayed here. This much is obvious.
I’m genuinely sorry for any bad feelings I may have caused. Really. Go ahead, comment away and make me look like the fool I am.