Inevitable
[ No Comments ] Posted on 09.12.07 in family, funny stories
We knew it was going to happen. We just didn’t know when.
Well, it happened.
Allow me to set the scene. Ian, in all of his fortunate goodness, was able to lease a (very nice) new Nissan Altima a few months ago. He kept his old jalopy of a Saturn so he could drive it to and fro while not accumulating miles on his new, fancy-shmancy car. This left me high and dry outside of the garage, which only has room enough for two cars. So, I have to park in the backmost portion of the driveway, leaving Ian to play musical cars to work his vehicle around mine, meandering into and out of the garage. I have no problem with parking where I do; it will be especially cool in the winter (no pun intended!) when ice forms on my windows.
We both agreed at the beginning of this system that my car was going to be hit. We didn’t know when it would happen, but we knew it was coming. It’s sort of like a far less interesting return of Jesus to Earth.
Sure enough, last night Ian took a page out of the book of my grandmother, whose two year old Mitsubishi Gallant has been wrecked no fewer than five times as a result of her not looking behind her when the backs up her car. He hit my front fender. No actual damage, though – just a good amount of paint that has found its way off of my bumper.
Interestingly enough, though, Ian was far more upset than I was. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so genuinely apologetic. It was kind of nice – I could get used to that. As for the car, it will be fixed in time; it’s really no big deal.
Until then, I’m parking in the street.
Adventures in Being Neighborly
[ No Comments ] Posted on 08.07.07 in funny stories, random
My apologies for not writing as often as I should have for the past few weeks, but I have been a working man. I look after about 15 of Clearwater’s finest children. I use the word “finest” very, very loosely, but in this case, it’s beside the point.
I’d like to tell a little story of a fun excursion I had just the other day. As you know from the Great Dress Fiasco of 2007, my pastor is a woman. As such, she sometimes has to solicit the assistance of other folks as she goes about her papal business. Last Friday was one of these days.
I was so looking forward to shipping the little troublemakers out with their parents at 3:00, but I had no idea about the fun I was about to have. At about 2:45, I was approached by this woman of God. She asked if I would accompany her on a Godly mission to pick up a man and take him to the doctor. Naturally, I said yes because in this day and age it’s never a good idea to send a woman out in a cruel world of vicious predators.
The guy we had to pick up was located at the local Motel 6. He said he had come from LA and called our church because he belongs to Hollywood Christian, a church of the same denomination as mine. He traveled down by train to visit his family in Palm Beach, and hitchhiked to Clearwater from there. He needed a prescription from the doctor to keep him alive on the trek back. Oh, did I mention that he was gay and had AIDS? Yeah, that was sort of awkward.
We went downtown to the only doctor that would see him. The office was a little mobile home shack in the middle of the ghetto, filled with gangstas and whatnot. Anyhow, long story short, our AIDS-ridden friend was addicted to narcotics and wanted some drugs. I guess this makes me an accessory?
Well, how was I supposed to know there were two dresses?
[ 3 Comments ] Posted on 07.16.07 in funny stories
So, the other day Mother sent me on an errand.
See, the preacher at my church is a woman. Coincidentally, she and my mother had, at one point, owned the exact same dress. Mother thought this was particularly amusing. Anyhow, the dress does not fit Mother anymore. This is actually particularly convenient, because my preacher’s dress was ruined when it was accidentally washed with one of her young son’s crayons. It was the preacher’s birthday last week. Mother wanted to give the preacher her dress to celebrate this momentous occasion and to replace her sullied garment.
Mother insisted that I dry clean the dress, though, as we don’t want to go to Hell for giving a woman of God a dirty dress. So, Mother gave me a three piece ensemble to take to the dry cleaners and then drop off at the church office. I did just that, but the preacher was not there when I dropped it off. No worries, I left it with the secretary.
Yesterday, Mother asked where the second of the two dresses I took to the dry cleaners was. Two dresses? Oh, crap. Now I have to find some tricky way to get the second dress back from the preacher.
Forgive me, Mother, for I have sinned…