How much I hate the Red Sox
[ 3 Comments ] Posted on 04.25.08 in baseball, complaints
In this post, I will proceed to describe just how much I hate the Red Sox.
I hate the Red Sox so much, I can think of a million things I would rather do than be in their presence for an extended period of time. I would rather:
Get an appendectomy. Chop off my own legs and beat myself over the head with them. Jump off a cliff Wile E. Coyote style, holding a sign that says “At least I’m not watching the Sawx!” Play a game of Russian Roulette with myself. Wear a Speedo everywhere I go. Where a tuxedo everywhere I go. Bake a cake filled with shards of glass. Read War and Peace. Watch a Ben Stiller movie. Pull off my fingernails with a pair of pliers. Confine myself to a tiny room with Michael Moore after he eats twelve bean burritos. Talk like the guy from the B-52s for the rest of my life. Fly too close to the sun with wax wings. Marry my Golden Retriever. Swallow my own fist. Fall into a volcano. Try to sharpen each of my fingers in an electric pencil sharpener. Try to sharpen my fingers in an manual pencil sharpener. Watch every episode of Sex and the City. Watch every episode of Sex in the City, counting the times I am falsely attracted to Sarah Jessica Parker, only to realize that she is actually a man. Eat 50 pounds of uncooked rice. Violate a hedgehog. Walk barefoot over hot coals. Drink 20 shots of grain alcohol and play a game of tennis with my pastor. Skydive without a parachute. Move to Wyoming. Shave my head and get a tattoo of Michael Jackson’s face on my bare scalp. Get naked and cover myself with bees.
There are more, trust me. The point here is the same, folks: the Boston Red Sox and their fans are the most irritating folks in the history of mankind. I cannot stand them.
How to save the world in about 23 seconds
[ No Comments ] Posted on 02.08.08 in complaints, girls, politics
Lately, the talk of global warming has enveloped our dear society into an intense struggle between people who think the world is going to end because I drive a car and people who know for sure that our recent climate change is a mere cyclical happenstance.
Well, I prefer not to take sides in this debate, so I offer the topic of an actual conversation I had with a female petition pusher with a boy haircut I had on campus today.
While I concede that global warming could indeed be a possibility, I maintain that I don’t really care, at least for the time being, and I offer the following as my reasoning.
The state of Florida, if global warming is a real threat, won’t be underwater for some time. At least, not in my lifetime. And they keep telling me to care about the fact that the environment is going to Hell in a hand basket and that I should take preventative steps to reduce its effect for my children’s’ sake.
Well, if that’s the case, I’ll have to have children, right?
If that is the case, I will have to, at some point in my existence on this big round ball, plant my seed inside a woman. Ergo, I will have to find somewhere a female who will allow me the privilege of breaching her floppy V.
So, if and when a woman decides it necessary to make love to me, I will begin caring about global warming for the sake of my little sideburned flagellate friends.
The moral of this story: girls, if you really care about the environment, you will have lots of hardcore sex with me. Do it for me. Do it for the environment. But most of all, do it for the children.
Well, I didn’t know I was going to take out a second mortgage…
[ No Comments ] Posted on 01.23.08 in college, complaints, letters
Dear Civil War Professor,
Seriously, dude. What gives? We have to buy not one, not two, but eight books for your class. I know that your newfound gig at a major university is exciting and all, but you should remember that we get just over $200 to buy textbooks. So far, I’ve gotten six of the required texts for your class. You know how much I paid? One hundred and sixty bucks.
I know that may seem like chump change to you, pal, but that’s a good amount of green here on the up-and-coming college student’s budget. And what gets me is the fact that most of the assigned readings I was forced to pick up at Goering’s are really, really old. Like, out of copyright old. Meaning, of course, that I could access these stupid things on the Internet and save my cash for more important things, like Hot Pockets and Tang.
Angrily yours,
Casey