When the taser’s away, the bored cops will play
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 12.05.07 in complaints, letters
Dear police officers on bicycles patrolling the sparse crowds on Newell Drive around lunchtime,
You guys need to get real jobs. Writing tickets to people who ride bikes all day is a feeble attempt at squeezing some power out of your otherwise laughable profession.
Love,
Casey
For my beard, wherever I may find him
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 10.31.07 in breakups, letters
About three weeks ago, I parted ways with the beard that has called my face home since the beginning of my senior year of high school.
I miss Beardy, but his replacements Mutton and Chop are filling in the void quite nicely. Goatee also makes a special guest appearance on my mug from time to time.
That said, I think I have some things to say to an old friend:
Dear Beard,
Beardy, I hope you don’t take this personally or anything. I mean, you’re a great individual. I really mean that. It’s just that I think the follicles of our lives have grown in their own separate ways. I’m sure that soon enough, you will migrate to another guy’s face and forget all about me. You’ll be happier then, I promise.
And it could be that my newfound fling with Mutton, Chop, and the Goat is just a feeble attempt to spice up my facial hair’s otherwise mundane existence. Heck, this could be good for us, you know? I mean, I might find that the female attraction I garner from my new setup is infinitely less than what you’ve gotten me in the past (is that possible?).
But I digress. Beardy, if I ever grow (no pun intended) tired of what I’ve found in your replacements, I’ll let you know. And I will be glad to have you back.
I hope we can still be friends,
Casey
Well worth the 41 cents
[ No Comments ] Posted on 10.09.07 in Rays, baseball, letters
A couple of weeks ago, I sent Bud Selig a letter. It was done in magic marker and I used a fake name to make me sound more like a seven year old and basically asked if it were possible for me, despite my age to become a Major League Umpire. I promised him that I would never make a correct call at first base when officiating Devil Rays games and that I would completely rape the idea of strike zone consistency. I also drew him two pictures, one of a Rays baserunner’s foot on the bag and the first baseman nowhere near the base with me (dressed as an umpire) calling him out and another picture of an eyeball, heart, and Bud’s face (I <3 Bud Selig).
I was surprised when he wrote me back on official MLB letterhead and everything:
Dear Alex:
Thank you for your letter.
While I know you were a little sarcastic in your comments about umpires, I happen to think the umpires do an excellent job. Incidentally, we have an electronic system called Questec which rates umpires on every pitch in every game and they do remarkably well. Base decisions, for the most part, have been excellent. Umpires missing a call once in awhile have been part of our game for years, but I think the umpires overall have done a good job. I think you have to be a little more understanding about that. However, I liked the rest of your letter and all the pictures you drew. I was really impressed.
Thanks for taking the time to write to me.
Sincerely,
Allan H. Selig,
Commissioner of Baseball
Best part: he signed in INK.
I think I’ll keep corresponding with my favorite wrinkly old pen pal in hopes of more gems like this.