Ohio State And The Little Schedule That Couldn’t
[ No Comments ] Posted on 01.07.08 in college, football
COLUMBUS, OHIO – Today, after the Buckeye’s second national championship loss in as many years, Ohio State athletic director Gene Smith released a schedule the likes of which the Buckeye faithful have never before seen.
“You know, I thought we had it pretty tough having to play Kent State and Akron this year, but this is just ridiculous. How do they expect us to even compete with Cuyahoga or Cincinnati Hills? This is probably just some ploy to get some extra money so coach Tressel can buy some more sweater vests,” said Buckeye booster and now hardly employed Heisman winner Troy Smith. “And don’t even get me started on the Reds. Have you seen their defensive line? It’s sick.”
Below is the newly released schedule for the 2008 Ohio State Buckeyes football season. God help us.
8/30 vs. Ohio School for the Deaf (Columbus, OH)
9/6 vs. Ohio Northern University (Columbus, OH)
9/13 @ Cuyahoga Community College (Cleveland, OH)
9/20 vs. Columbus, Ohio Chamber of Commerce Co-recreational Softball Team (Columbus, OH)
9/27 vs. Ohio State School for the Blind (Columbus, OH)
10/4 @ Cincinnati Reds (Cincinnati, OH)
10/11 vs. Boonville, Indiana High School (Boonville, IN)
10/18 @ Autism Academy of Learning (Maumee, OH)
10/25 vs. Cincinnati Hills Christian Academy (Columbus, OH)
11/1 – Bye Week
11/8 @ Columbus State Community College (Columbus, OH)
11/15 @ Cleveland School of the Arts High School Chess Team (Cleveland, OH)
11/22 vs. Michigan (Columbus, OH)
New Year, Old Tricks
[ No Comments ] Posted on 01.01.08 in UF, football
Well, the Gators lost. This means that the only Florida-based team to win its bowl game this year is Florida Atlantic University. Owl Pride!
Oh well, here’s to a national championship next year.
History of the World According to Tim Tebow, Part One
[ 3 Comments ] Posted on 12.09.07 in UF, football, sports
In light of the recent Heisman Hoopla surrounding Alachua County’s Prince Charming (and my best friend!) Tim Tebow, I figured it was about time to release this photographic evidence that Timmy is immortal. So without further ado, I present to you History of the World According to Tim Tebow, Part One:
Philadelphia, 1787 – After hours of grueling debating and arguing, Tim Tebow presides over the signing of the newfound American Constitution. John Hancock tries to be an attention whore and is stiff armed into oblivion. When leaving, Tebow mentions that they should really add something about the right to bear arms, because his biceps are a thousand times more powerful than any musket of the era.
Kitty Hawk, 1903 – On a blustery day that winter, Tim Tebow creates a new flying machine, but humbly allows two sibling bicycle repairmen to take credit for his invention, fearing that the government might force him to use his machine for evil. A century later, Tebow will find out how to take to the air in a different way.
Iwo Jima, 1945 – High atop Mount Suribachi, Tim Tebow and six other soldiers raise the American Flag in a moment captured for American antiquity. It is after this war, however, that Tebow decides to abstain from further combat, for fear of breaking the hearts of girls around the world. The United States would regret issuing his leave in later conflicts. Whoops.
Times Square, 1945 – After beating the Japanese with two bombs comprised of Tim Tebow’s concentrated semen, blood, and elbow grease, Tebow returns to America and is photographed kissing this girl. She would later find out that she is pregnant, as did every other female within a fifteen foot radius of Tebow when this photo was taken.
Cuba, 1958 – Forever a proponent of freedom, Tim Tebow leads a revolution against Dictator Fulgencio Batista. In order to cause Batista to flee the country, Tebow does a pile driver into his sternum and rushes for seven touchdowns while penetrating the entire Cuban cheerleading squad.
London, 1969 – Tim Tebow, in England to plant his seed to field a potential rugby team, is asked by the three remaining Beatles to fill in for the recently deceased Paul McCartney. Reluctant at first, Tebow accepted when he found out that if he posed as Paul McCartney for the rest of time, he could marry and bone a model half his age. Not to say he couldn’t bone her anyway, of course.
Tiananmen Square, 1989 – In an everyday show of bravery, Tim Tebow stands up to a line of military tanks. He had actually just stepped out from a burning apartment building filled with Chinese babies and their attractively vulnerable mothers and was on his way to not take a nap because Tim Tebow never sleeps. Upon seeing the Seminole-esque red stars on the side of the tanks in the square, Tebow briefly stood in front of them before melting the war machines with his gaze of hatred.
But no, really. Congratulations, Timmy!
I love you.
…Too much?