Don't be a chicken

Once upon a time, I was away from home and living with my brother, so I thought it would be a prudent idea to mosey on down to the local Publix and buy some food we could eat.

Oh, I filled my cart to the brim with all sorts of fantastic treats: Pop Tarts, Chef Boyardee, Hot Pockets, and frozen pizza.

I tried to balance that complete lack of consideration for my health with some not-so-awful things: bagels (with extra cream cheese!), bottled water, and, last but not least – the crème de la crème of my sojourn to the grocery – real honest-to-goodness chicken breast.

This was in August. All of these things have gone by the wayside (read: spoiled or into my stomach). However, to this day, if you come to my humble abode, meander into the kitchen, make your way to the icebox, yank on the freezer door, move the half-empty bag of ice towards the bottom, and rummage into our meat storage bin, you will find a couple of chicken breasts as hard as rocks and as inedible as, well, rocks.

All right. Lesson learned. Only buy food that can be cooked and done away with in 30 seconds. Thanks, college!

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Teacher's Pets

Holy God. I can’t take it any more. Listen to me, political science majors. Listen well.

NOBODY CARES WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ANYTHING.

Okay, perhaps a bit harsh. But well-founded. Let me explain.

I am, for some reason, a political science major. I hold no fervent opinions either way on the political spectrum, nor do I engage in hardcore analytical thinking outside of copying notes that some overly-paid professor puts on a PowerPoint slide during lecture. For the other 165 hours each week, I’m a normal person: I sleep, I eat, I watch cartoons. I do not care about the woeful state of international relations, and I do not care about the world around me. As long as I have my Chef Boyardee, my Cartoon Network, and no place to go, I’m content.

But political science majors, they’re a different breed. While other kids go to the movies, they stay at home and watch their Tivoed copy of the State of the Union address. While other kids eat pizza, they refuse to stoop to such a level of ignorance while they munch on their ever-delicious tofu and meatless meat loaf. And while other kids just want to leave a class that has been held over for five minutes due to a long-winded professor who just wants to enlighten folks on the troubles of the country of Latvia, they all raise their hands in unison to make a myriad of “relevant” statements that do nothing more than show all of the normal-minded folks in the world of their intellect and superiority.

Seriously. Let me leave. I have some hedonism to get to.

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